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Non lust based crushes: degrading and not cost-effective

21 Jun

I was meant to be writing a post about wanking, but I find myself constantly exulting in the wonderful freedom from thoughts of Lynne, the blogger I had a crush on three months ago who I previously blogged about in the Lynne Blog.

Because Roland went AWOL, my journey was prolonged by months and I’ve done stuff I never thought I would do – blogging about sex workers’ rights, having a one night stand sexytime, the petition, and other stuff. I’ve met people – both online and  in real life- who I never thought I would. I have known something I thought I never would; if I don’t know what love is, then at least I know what more-than-lust is. I’ve known the pain of pseudo-loving someone I’ll never have. It was like a cage. The destroyer of all freedom, more degrading than anything; a debasement of my most precious and most private part, which is my mind.

And it is degrading and debasing to that public part of me: my vagina. The toxic cocktail of chemicals being fired off from my libido which concentrated my thoughts on Lynne when there is a world of worthy dick out there – it betrayed my body. It denied satisfaction and pleasure to the organ naturally designated to crave and find pleasure. I was born for sex, like all humans. Therefore, a blend of chemicals instructing the genitals to go out into the world, find another set which interlock, and conquer all such mates in the vicinity would be the blend that glorifies the temple of the body. That fixation on one person – Lynne- cannot be healthy or dignified (though thankfully I was never reduced to thoughts of monogamy). That, at least, I can say.

Let me expand on that: we eat food to get nutrients which we convert into energy to fuel our brains and bodies. So, energy is required to power the libido (fancy someone) and power cognitive functions (the decision to approach them). But my thoughts of Lynne were more numerous than would be necessary to incite me to pursue her. Therefore, they were a waste of energy, especially since I thought about her for a while before Alexis and Rachel suggested that I flirt with her. My thoughts therefore were not useful as a catalyst for me to act on my thoughts; Alexis and Rachel’s cognitive functions and successful communications to me were the catalyst. And all the energy spent thinking about Lynne could’ve been better spent on thoughts of several people, which could potentially have resulted in sexytimes with a few of them. Thinking solely of Lynne could only ever have resulted in sexytime with one person (unless Lynne has Multiple Personality Disorder or is possessed). Finally, thinking about other people could have been fun, but my thoughts of Lynne didn’t bring me pleasure because I wouldn’t allow myself to fantasise about her, as I felt it was disrespectful. I just thought about how well she writes and how it would feel to run my fingers through her hair (which I imagined would be kind of soft.) So it’s obvious that anything more than lust is not cost-effective in terms of biological economics.

I still like her, but not like that; I don’t think I fancy her any more. It’s kind of hard to tell because I’m worried that if I declare myself free of her, it’ll all come back like the other 2 or 3 times. I’d like to say that if I had a time machine, I’d go back and change things. But I wouldn’t. It was an interesting experience, after all. And if we could shield ourselves from sadness, hurt and confusion, how would we know when we were happy, loved and confident?

It was my own fault really; not content with a prolonged flirtation, I acted to force a tweet from her from which I could easily tell ‘yes’ or ‘no’ from – and which I knew might possibly make her suspect what I was doing. In this, I was absolutely successful in getting an answer; so what am I doing whining just because it’s the one I didn’t hope for? While I was surprised she worked out what I was doing, now that I think about it, I intentionally made her at least suspect. (I’ve never been very patient and getting a quick yes/no seemed the least time-consuming way to go about it). When I think back, I wasn’t surprised that she’d found out I fancied her. I only felt surprised about it when I realised she was pissed off. Maybe my subconcious was protecting me from the realisation that I’d engineered my own failure by making me think that I had nothing to do with Lynne finding out.

I kinda miss being ‘in love’ with her, because now she appears much more normal and boring. Still an analytical and amazing writer, though. Not that I’d tell her; it’d just go to her head.

How wonderful it is to be free of her! To think about selling virginity and wanking instead of not allowing myself to fantasise about her because it’s disrespectful, so I’d have pathetically Puritan thoughts of her instead. (Ooh look, WordPress’ spellcheck system doesn’t recognise “wanking”. Or “WordPress”. Or “spellcheck.”)

Speaking of writers, I think now would be a good time to deploy a phrase in Alan Warner’s book ‘Morvern Callar’: “And now, to work!” (on the wanking post).

 

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