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All My Loves (5) The Lynne Blog: Personal Designs

10 Jun

Finally – the Lynne blog. It is here. Delayed multiple times and delayed again because of the Rhoda Grant debate. I was originally going to make it password-protected so Lynne can’t see it, but I suspect that rumour might actually make her think it’s worse than it is. And password protection isn’t foolproof; anyone with the password could send her screenshots or show it to her in real life – something which might be possible, given the number of people I’d have to mass-DM or mass-email the password to. The other thing I was thinking of is asking people not to RT it in case she’s following them, but I don’t believe in such half-measures or requests to control others’ freedom of expression. I’m not sure if I agree with people like Slutocrat who’re all, ‘If you want anonymity or protection then don’t put it on the internet’ because I don’t see the internet as a contract where you agree to risk by engaging with it. But I do think that in this situation I’ve no right to ask for any special consideration, and neither would a half-arsed security measure like that protect me from Lynne reading my blog if she wants to. (Lynne isn’t her real name, of course – apart from protecting her privacy, a pseudonym is definetly needed for this post as it’s bound to be biased. I do not believe that anyone could write about this sort of thing without bias.)

So, what I’ll do is I’ll keep it vague so she won’t be sure it’s her. I know the juicy, juicy details are what you all love – and, in this instance, they’re hilarious. I think she’ll be pissed off if she figures out it’s her, though Leanne doesn’t think so. However, I guess that the worst thing that can happen is a) she blocks me on Twitter or b) gives me a restraining order. I’ve never had a restraining order before so I think it would be interesting to have one.But I do know that she isn’t going to engage in petty or dangerous forms of revenge like trolling or outing me, so the risk to me is low. (It’s good to be my old calculating self again.)

Anyway, why am I writing this if it entails some form of risk and no reward? It’s because I promised to write the truth. What I’m about to write is a portrayal of myself at my weakest, my most whimsical, and my most contemptible. I’m not in control of my emotions and am driven not by riding the waves of wild impulses – as I usually am – but by skewed and base feelings. I regret nothing, of course – I never regret anything I do, and anyway it would’ve happened some day. But I am ashamed of my depth of feeling.

It was the middle of the night in March that I first told someone I fancied Lynne.  – The 13th, according to my handwritten diary:

“[Alexis] is such a reasonable person and I’d screw her given half a chance, though I don’t fancy her at all. I have though told her that I have a crush on Lynne [weirdly enough, it’s actually written as “Lynne” in my diary!] and that it’s much stronger than any crush I’ve had on boys, which is weird. [Alexis] says to find out if Lynne is mono […]I dunno why I’m even attracted to her – I mean yeah she’s pretty but then I’m prettier (I think) and so are lots of other people […] it’s her writing and who she is that I love. […] [Alexis] doesn’t think my feelings are silly even though there’s like a […] year age gap (I mean she’s older than me, not that I’m a paedophile).”

It was Lynne’s politics and writing – on multiple subjects – that made me fancy her. I guess that’s why she’s the only non-lust-based crush I’ve ever had in my life. But only lust is pure. Anything deeper pollutes the soul and stains you; anything deeper is an affront to your dignity and a perversion of your identity. I knew that, but romance was tempting, and I was weak.

Alexis actually had to prise the identity of the mystery person out of me, for two hours. She kept guessing – everybody from Maggie McNeill to Jemima, before concluding “Well I don’t know who it is – not unless you’ve got a crush on Stella Marr!” and we laughed like loons. I eventually admitted that she’d already guessed correctly, and she started guessing again. “I’m sticking with [Lynne],” she said. “I want the truth about [Lynne].”. I kind of wanted to tell someone, actually – another weakness of mine – so after a decent show of evasion, I admitted it.

Alexis almost seemed to feel sorry for me that I believed my feelings to be destructive and wrong. “I don’t see why you’re so embarrassed about it. It’s normal,” she kept saying. Instead of telling me how to stop thinking of Lynne – I resented the power she had over me without even trying or knowing – Alexis brought me round to the idea that it was okay. The idea that it wasn’t a bad thing was not an idea that I had hitherto entertained. I pointed out that Lynne wasn’t single and Alexis countered that she might not be monogamous. I pretty much think that my fate was sealed. Alexis’ idea was to see if there’s reciprocity but not to let Lynne know I fancy her. “Just act flirty,” she said. I wasn’t looking forward to this because the boys at my uni are THE WORST for picking up when a girl is flirting with them. I hit on Jay for months and emailed my BDSM porn fiction to him and he still didn’t get it until I told him directly on Skype. By then, he was seeing someone – a medical student at our university, I believe. “But I don’t think there’s much chance of anything happening, because of who she is,” Alexis added. I wrote in my diary “But now that I think about it, her [partner] is probably nobody special either. And she’s a very down to earth sort of person, not all snobby and glamorous like you’d expect. Nobody is the way they are portrayed”.

The next day I told someone else on Twitter. This was a risk – Lynne wouldn’t have believed Alexis over me if Alexis had gone to her with it. But Rachel would’ve been believed. Rachel shared Alexis’ view that this was perfectly normal and told me Lynne wasn’t mono – a piece of info which I believe made all the following events inevitable. Rachel also said that there’s no point trying not to think about it and the best thing to do is see if she feels the same way, but not tell her how I feel. Rachel also listed out everyone on Twitter she had a crush on, which is loads. “For some of them, I dunno if I’d even want to snog them in real life,” she DM’d. “For others I’d do top BDSM but I can’t imagine doing much more with a woman.” Neither can I -though I have no preference re top or bottom for BDSM, and even with boys BDSM is my first preference. The only time I did anal it hurt.

I knew I’d have to act quickly, because thinking about her was incredibly annoying to me. It was being dominated by another person, dominated mentally – the worst way possible. The fact that Lynne was able to wield such power over me, not only remotely but also without even trying, terrified me. Like Basil Hallward in ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray’, I delighted in tweeting stuff about Lynne (using the name “Lynne”) that were exaggerations of how I felt. Just for kicks.

My personality is the thing that matters most to me and I felt that my identity was under threat from these uncontrollable emotions and constant intrusions. Blogging what I do, I sometimes feel like I blog under her shadow, that what I write is compared to hers and will never measure up in terms of success (which is mostly the fault of my friends making references or jokes). This tension over my blog’s originality and how I got the idea to blog was hardly conducive to making me indifferent or welcoming to Lynne’s intrusion into my brain as well as my blogging. I was determined to get her out of my mind. Yet, at the same time, Rachel and Alexis’ advice made sense – if I’m condemned by my libido to fancy Lynne- of all people- then why not get something good out of it?

This is where it gets hilarious – it’s almost like I was being set up to fail. You see, I’m used to getting whoever I want online. I found Kane by trawling a BDSM site and sent him a message because he seemed well educated and was poly. I also had others – American Guy, Florida Guy, and that other one who’s name for him I can’t say. Oh, and the Student Guy. And Scientist Guy. The only thing that saved my virginity and enabled this ill-conceived blogging adventure was the distance involved – London, South East England, the USA, and elsewhere.

So I didn’t dream that I wouldn’t succeed with someone who I considered a sort of online ‘friend’ because that’s got to be easier than trawling the net for strangers, right? And doing all the initial message-sending? I mean, right?

You could say I was arrogant. My online successes had been followed by getting spanked by a photographer after knowing him for 45 minutes. You can’t say I don’t work fast. I thought he looked good and I liked him so I started being a bit flirty and 5 minutes later he was spanking me. Maybe I thought I could get whoever I wanted. Especially since Lynne’s seen me in real life and knows I’m pretty (albeit with uncontrollable hair, like Ana in Fifty Shades.)

And as I’ve already mentioned, I was used to boys being thick when it comes to flirting so I wasn’t really expecting anything much different from Lynne.

The most hilarious bit of all is that I never googled Lynne (except in conjunction with her blog’s name because her blog is so hard to get to). I just couldn’t- it felt like invading her privacy. Only I could fall for someone who probably has loads of photos on the web and lots of hits to her name and not take advantage of that! And I couldn’t fantasise about her because, as I said to Alexis and Leanne, it’s disrespectful. They thought it was funny and so do I; I don’t have a problem fantasising about men, though admittedly most of my fantasies are about fictitious people.

I can’t report what exactly happened, in case she reads this. But suffice it to say that she worked out what I was doing after about 2 days and 2 or 3 tweets (1 or 2 during private messaging with her, 1 not) and was really pissed off. As I said to Leanne later, I wonder if she knew almost instantly; she said “sometimes caution is a good thing” or something like that, and added a wink sign. Was that her trying to tell me, or just a typo of a smiley sign? I’ll never know.

Anyway, I was unsure whether she was pissed off because of me flirting with her or because of  what Ruth had tweeted from the No One Unrapable account the previous night. So I asked her and she made it clear it was the flirting thing and said I have “personal designs” on her, which is a lovely quaint way to put it, though it does make me sound a bit predatory. If I’d had the wherewithal to reply, I’d probably have said “I assure you my heart is pure” or whatever  they would’ve said in the 17th century, which is obviously the era Lynne gets her tweeting inspiration from. Not that I’m knocking the period; it’d be so cool if we said “I find you aesthetically pleasing. I have personal designs on you. Let us return to my abode and engage in lewd activities” instead of “You’re stunning. I really like you. Let’s go back to mine and fuck.”

At the time I was pretty shocked and I didn’t see why she couldn’t just say ‘I’m not interested’, which would’ve only taken like a line to type, instead of making a big deal out of it and unfollowing me. I was certain she was about to block me – I mistakenly believed you have to unfollow someone before you block them. I used my last tweets to her to try to get something for the Merseyside petition – I forget the details. I don’t know what that says about me, that I “wasted” what I believed to be my last communication with her.

I said I was sorry at the time – right after she accused me of having personal designs – but I don’t think she really cared. I’ve no idea what she wants from me; I don’t have a time machine.

My reaction was my go-to strategy: denial. (Which kinda negates the apology, I’ll admit.) (I’d set it up so I could easily deny it – I had a feeling she’d be annoyed if she found out how I felt, though Alexis didn’t think she’d be annoyed.) I was sure she was gonna block me, I was scared because this was all new territory and I’d never thought she’d know I was coming on to her, never mind that she’d be annoyed about it. Lynne didn’t believe my denial for a single second, though she chose not to argue the point.

When I told Rachel about Lynne’s initial reaction, she went “Yikes” and I said I didn’t actually feel anything because I hadn’t worked out that she was serious. I went to type “I’m sorry, okay that was inappropriate” and Twitter told me I couldn’t DM because she’d unfollowed (this was from my Rhoda Grant parody account). So I went onto my main account but she’d unfollowed that too (which I really should’ve been expecting – Lynne isn’t stupid). It was only then that I realised it’d backfired spectacularly and I lay still and cast around in my brain for a suitable course of action to present itself. But none was forthcoming, because this had never happened before. I’d have to figure this one out manually. I wanted to retreat, but a dignified retreat was impossible as she’d cut the lines of private communication. I couldn’t just change the subject. (Though maybe whatever I was saying to her about Merseyside was some sort of subconcious attempt at that?)

So I was upset for a while and Rachel helped me a lot, just by listening. I was so pissed after she unfollowed me that I  reckoned I was over her, but then the feelings returned. Twice more I believed I had finally won over my emotions, only to have them return. So I started looking into controlling my emotions by limiting my body’s production of oxytocin and serontonin. I was absolutely determined that this should never happen again as long as I live.

By the way, you should’ve seen me at this time. I wasn’t eating much so I lost weight and looked ABSOLUTELY STUNNING. I’ve since piled it back on. What really got to me was the humiliation of failure and, especially, the fact that she’d worked out what I was doing almost before I’d started – another thing that’d never happened before. Of course, being humiliated by Lynne turned me on a bit – you can’t suppress your libido, after all – but it irritated me, too. Lynne didn’t tell anyone – she’s not that kind of person. Though if she had gone public with it on Twitter, that would’ve been pretty hot. I was kind of worried about her next move and that she might publicise it as a sort of revenge for my ambitiousness; but she’s a calm, measured sort of person.

“Time heals all wounds,” Leanne said; and I’ve found that to be true, but I’m not subjecting myself to that ever again.  My research indicates that it was serotonin and not oxytocin that was responsible. Oxytocin is produced after orgasm and while bonding, but me and Lynne had never bonded in real life.Serotonin, however, controls attraction and is necessary for the production of oxytocin after you’ve shagged them. Unfortunately, cutting down on serotonin would also make me depressed and not alert so it looks like I’m stuck and it might happen again with someone else.

I think what upset me most was that I’d done something to make her uncomfortable. I felt that she’d made a big deal out of it to punish me for my ambitiousness – Alexis’ words about her being out of my league (this isn’t what Alexis said but it’s sort of what she meant, I think) were still with me. And I felt that she didn’t care about how I felt at all because she knew I fancied her so she had all the power; she could do anything to me she liked and I’d still come running back to her. Of course, when I calmed down I realised that Lynne probably didn’t see herself as being in the position of power; for all I know, she was wary of a backlash from me after rejecting and unfollowing me. Maybe that’s why she unfollowed me – not to punish me by cutting me off from her or to send me the message that she was pissed off, but so I couldn’t keep DM’ing her. I’d thought that her experience of social interaction, which is far broader than mine, meant that she knew she had the upper hand. And I believed that it was this experience/abilities which had led her to make a calculated decision to unfollow me as a sort of message to me that she was really pissed.(I have a lot of problems trusting older women due to childhood experiences; I’m fine with men and younger women.)

But you could equally look at it the other way; that because I’m young I’m actually more of a threat because of having less social skills, instead of being at a disadvantage. Like, I could do anything; keep tweeting at her or harassing her, or anything. (But I have way too much pride to do that.)

At the time I thought she hated me but Rachel said she was just setting boundaries. And Lynne does care about me and has helped me in the past and with finding new potential buyers – I wouldn’t want you guys to get the wrong impression of her. She’s one of the few people online who gets me and I feel like I can tell her anything. I certainly don’t regret telling her my identity and I’m sure it’s safer with her than it is with me! (I’m so impulsive).

I thought of deleting this blog and Twitter because everything was going wrong – Roland was AWOL, I didn’t have any potential buyers, the controversy over Ruth’s tweets was at its height that day and now Lynne. I regarded selling virginity and bloggng as a failed experiment; I would go back to my normal life and resume it; forget about all this. I just didn’t want to interact with Lynne ever again at that point. It was No One Unrapable that kept me around. Having taken sole control of the account the previous night after the controversy, I had a responsibility. And if I was going to be tweeting from that account, why not keep my personal Twitter? I decided to delete this blog after the petition closed. Of course I calmed down soon after that and realised that deleting the blog or simply not logging into Twitter again wouldn’t solve my problem, which was basically that I believed myself to be in love – or close to it – with someone who was utterly repelled by the thought of any kind of sexytime- no matter how casual, I guess- with me. But what I was most upset about was how easily and coldly she’d unfollowed me.

Aaaaaand…like all good news articles, the reactions from around the world:

Lochlan said I was “unprofessional” and Lynne was annoyed because she might get objectified by people sometimes so I should apologise and “reconcile with her”. [Which was my view too, but by that time a lot of time had gone by so it was kinda too late to apologise.- what if Lynne’s totally forgot about it? And anyway I did apologise at the time].

Leanne said I wasn’t in love with her (as I’d increasingly worried I was, and wondered if it’s possible to be in love without having had sexytime). She said that nothing about this incident surprised her at all because she thinks that very few people are completely straight or gay – a view similar to Kane’s. She thinks that Lynne overreacted.

Kathryn said I should be honest with Lynne, find her on Facebook and message her that I like her, if she’s still annoyed then “she’s not even worth knowing”. [I said I couldn’t see Lynne having Facebook unless it’s private].

Alexis said she was “being ridiculous” and joked “I think she’s jealous, she’s jealous that you might have a crush on me” but also that “maybe she’s been stalked before and it might have made her more anxious about something like this”.

Lynne’s name is more of a code word than a pseudonym; like much of my code, it’s based on meanings and phonetics (related to her real first name), and nobody is going to get it.

It was really confusing for me, as I told Leanne on Facebook: “Re: [Lynne] it was…complex. I dunno why it’s so confusing for me because it must happen to lots of other people too. I think it’s explaining it all at once that’s hard; I’ll copy/paste from another convo (cos that took place over weeks so I could say it then). [..] Well she found out, I don’t know how […] So I was really pissed off and sad but then I figured, that’s life, and it’s going to happen to me lots more times in my life as I’m still only […].”

And: “Then I thought maybe she was annoyed with one of the tweets from the petition account and not the crush thing, so I said it was Ruth who tweeted that, and she DM’d me that it was the crush thing and said “I do not interact professionally with people who have personal designs on me” which I think is a hilarious way to put it.”

Leanne said “[…] it sounds complicated but from what I gather [Lynne] was a little petty about it.”

Me: ” Thanks for not saying that it was a really stupid thing to do. Cos I know it was stupid; some lads I know wouldn’t even have got it but I should’ve realised she’s older and more experienced than everyone else, even Kathryn [..]. I spent months trying to get rid of it cos I thought it was a bad thing till a friend of Lochlan’s (the guy I was talking to in the copy/paste) told me [Lynne] isn’t monogamous (she also talks to her online). I think it upset me cos I thought it was a bad thing from the outset and was really embarassed about it and her reaction only confirmed it.”

“I know this whole thing is farcical anyway – it’s the stupidest thing I ever did. All the guys my own age in real life and online who I might actually have a chance with and I choose [Lynne’s pseudonym] of all people. […] I mean seriously, if its so hard to get through to people how does she figure it out in a second?”

I can’t really think of an ending for this, except that life is so shit sometimes and I’m glad I had this experience as a young adult instead of as a teen or when I’m older and looking for meaningful relationships. I’m happy that this has happened because it’s reminded me to beware of love and to focus on casual, meaningless sex instead of adulterating lust with deeper feelings. Last year when Kane first opened my eyes to the idea that I’m not entirely straight, I thought my discovery of my bi nature would be exciting and thrilling, not all horrible like it was with Lynne. But hopefully the weak, needy part of me has been culled by this. The whole Lynne thing delayed my search for a buyer for over a month, but I’m back on track now and negotiating with a couple and two men.

The third-last time I saw Leanne, we were in a Japanese restaurant in Edinburgh. “I hope you find someone it works out with,” she said, and added “If that’s what you want,” which was quite perceptive of her really. Because the Lynne thing has refocused me and I know what I want for the rest of my life – no entanglements, no complications, no barfingly mushy shit that interferes with your cerebral processes – just good old-fashioned pork. And for my first time, I’m getting paid for it.

*This blog was written to fulfil the function of Diary of A Virgin Whore, which is to document my experiences, and I wouldn’t suggest that anyone tries experiencing deeper feelings or acting on them like I did.*

It obviously works for some people but it’s best not to risk it.

 

UPDATE 04/8/13: I just re-watched the movie Ted and apparently Lynne DIDN’T create the “personal designs” phrase out of her own creativity- it is how Americans talk! A character says in the movie “I don’t have any designs on your girlfriend” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, I thought Americans speak practically ghetto language. What’s with the overly-literate discourse?! So all Lynne did (yep, she hails from the McDonalds Nation) was put “personal” in it. I literally WASTED HOURS OF MY LIFE trying to figure out what exactly she meant by “personal designs”…to me it sounded as if she was saying I’m creepy, wrong, dirty or predatory in some way. But it turns out she wasn’t accusing me of anything at all, other than fancying her (which was true). So she was never as pissed off with me as I believed.If only I’d known, I wouldn’t have been that pissed that she unfollowed, or initially a bit irritated when she asked me stuff about the dickhead guy a couple of months later (cos I felt she was ‘using’ me after treating me like crap. But later I realised I should’ve told her the info without her having to ask me. Yes, I can be a bitch). I also probably wouldn’t have ignored or avoided her for that long, if at all. And I wouldn’t have worried that she might tell people what I’d done. Literally. Hours. Of. My. Life. Goddamn cross-cultural slang differences.

 

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