I had what anyone else would see as a very disturbed childhood. Luckily, my family was always there for me. There were lies against me and my family from when I was a young child to when I was a teenager. I loved it. The thrill of the battle was something I learned from a very, very young age. I can’t write any more because of anonymity and libel laws, but even if it wasn’t for that I still couldn’t write everything. You’d never believe me and besides it’d take up an entire book. I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. Nithing physical or sexual, but probably even more unbelievable because there isn’t the simple motive behind the behaviour. But there was another thing, and this thing I think damaged me; I’d punish myself for accidentally annoying people or for saying something wrong. You see, as a kid I hardly ever did anything wrong – I had the rules worked out when I was about five. But I said things wrong.
So, growing up in this situation I saw the world as dangerous and life as a game. I was much more confident than my peers and very afraid of criticism; I saw the aim of life as being to challenge bad people. (And I still do.) I was distrustful and revengeful, and interested in the way I could influence people and events. I learned how to lie from those who bullied me and lied about me. I studied their tactics with admiration and a fierce desire to become as skilled as them. Meanwhile I was constantly being emotionally abused, so I would be either very happy and confident or suddenly plunged into feeling empty and worthless. I’d hate myself at times.
I wished to be loved unconditionally, though now I’m afraid of love.
I believed that this unhappy part of me was not real and I only became ‘integrated’ through talking about this with Kane, a polyamorous Dom I met on a fetish site. He wanted me to go to America to be with him, then dumped me because I wasn’t looking for stability shortly after the creation of this blog. (I blogged about it at the time.) Him dumping me did not upset me at all because I was not emotionally invested in him, and at the time I never had more than lust for anyone. Talk of an emotional side to sex or of sex being somehow ‘meaningful’ always baffled me. I could understand sex as an art form or a means to an end or even an experiment, but I couldn’t understand it in those terms. I was not to have a serious crush on anyone until Lynne several months later.
Anyway, I realised that I no longer have the either really happy or really sad thing. I’m much more balanced now and I haven’t felt anxious (by which I mean a non-specific anxiety or paranoia over anonymity) for months now. I’m not the happiest that I’ve been in months, but I’m definitely the most emotionally healthy that I’ve been ever. And it’s great.
Oh, and here’s something you might enjoy: The lies against me were mostly about me having learning disabilities, no social skills and autism but included lies that I had an “immoral lifestyle” and inappropriate sexual boundaries/sexualised behaviour. Well, I’m showing them how Kalika does an immoral lifestyle! I don’t know what exactly they meant by all that, but one thing I do know is that they could never have imagined I would sell my virginity.
The truth is often stranger than fiction.