Turning bisexual isn’t a big deal: identity, sexuality and the gay – straight divide

05 Jan

I know that being queer is supposed to be a big deal, right? Our society makes much of the issue of sexuality and we draw very clear dividing lines around sexual orientation (as well as all aspects of sexuality and family form, usually resulting in discrimination against sexual minorities and minority family forms).

Turning bisexual (or discovering I am bisexual) shortly before the failed Mayan apocalypse doesn’t mean anything to me. Maybe it’s because I suspeced I have bi tendencies, or have always wished to be bisexual? I don’t know. All I know is that this isn’t a big part of my identity. I feel no wish to identify as bi or queer. Being kinky and having sold sex (I am not using the phrase ‘being a sexworker’ because Roland and I are having to rethink how we’re doing this, for a reason he’s not allowing me to say. However in a couple of weeks I’m going to start calling myself a sexworker again) are much bigger parts of my identity. Incidentally, they are also bigger parts of my identity than race or religion.

I didn’t choose to be bi, it just happened over 4 days. I have a crush on Lynne, one of Twitter followers (the geniuses amongst you will have realised that Lynne is of course a pseudonym, as is every single name on this blog, bar public figures and politicians etc.)

I’ve always liked what she says but now it’s more of a crush than a girlcrush. Though it does seem to be receding now, perhaps because I tend to lose interest in crushes quickly, unless it is a mild crush, which can last up to a year. Lynne is also pretty inaccessible. She is my first ideas-based crush; previously I was attracted to boys who look good. Though Lynne is definitely very pretty. But that is completely secondary to me. I know I’ll never have her, for reasons I can’t really say in case she reads this. I don’t think she reads my blog often – if at all – but you never know, because if she follows me then she might because this blog posts to Twitter. I don’t think I’ll ever tell her; my friend Lochlan says I shouldn’t, and I think there’s no point telling her because it might just creep her out. And she’s not going to drop a long-term relationship for some random young girl who can’t promise commitment. I mean, I’d like her forever as a friend, but I’d be unlikely to be able to do the whole living together or monogamous lifestyle for very long. I’d be more likely to mess up her life than bring anything good to it, and she has enough shit thrown at her already without me adding to the pile.

I think I could love her, but probably not forever. And I’d never want anyone to leave their partner for me. I wish she was in an open relationship or poly. She might be; I dunno.

I think I also like Lynne for her ethics, integrity and how she cares about people and is never out for herself. She seems to me to be very ‘real’ and there is no agenda or motives behind anything she does or says. She’s always just being herself.

This episode has taught me that being queer doesn’t have to be a big part of your identity or the thing that defines you. Being kinky will be my identity forever, and being a sexworker will be my identity until we finally get to do it. (Roland frustrates me so much, and I was going to call it off with him and find someone else, but I’m giving him a second chance because I know he’s not doing this on purpose. However he is ruining my Twitter account and this blog, cos there is now lack of virginity-selling updates.)

Question: Why does ‘sexual identity’ usually mean ‘sexuality’? Why is the difference between straight or bisexual more important than the distinction between vanilla and kinky or mono and poly? Or ‘slutty’ and abstinent? I feel that my sexual identity is kinky, poly and slutty more than I feel that being bi is my sexual identity.

And the whole ‘coming out’ thing? I think my family and friends would be more shocked about me coming out as selling virginity than they would be about me being bisexual. And for me, it would mean more to me for them to know I’m kinky and what my main kinks are, and it means less to me to tell them about selling virginity or being bisexual.

For a woman who is bisexual yet leans far more towards men, the impact on her family is much less than a lesbian* or 50/50 bisexual woman. My parents aren’t going to worry much that I won’t give them grandkids, because I’d be unlikely to go for long with female-only contact; and in my (immediate) family, marrying a woman isn’t a biggie. Actually, neither are grandchildren. But kinks are something they wouldn’t understand and sexwork goes against their conservatism, though it is a very mild conservatism and they would never treat sexworkers differently r look down on them.

*If both are in similar family situations.


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