The worst thing Roland could do to me

29 Aug

In Brogue’s Scottish album I can’t remember the name of, one song, ‘By the light of the peat fire flame’ contains these lyrics: For the dream, the heart can weep blood.

And selling virginity is my dream. I don’t live in fear of Roland deciding he wants to stop, and neither do I pray for his acquiesence (because God should answer the prayers of people who are starving/politically imprisoned etc first) but if Roland were to say he wanted to stop, that would be unbearable to me. I’ve never wanted anything more. With all my heart, I want this. I need this. Even if occassionally it doesn’t make me feel good. Maybe because I do enjoy most of it?

I worry sometimes that he will stop, out of concern for me. I think Lochlan thinks of Roland as an opportunistic player who is uninterested in my well-being, at least in some ways. But Roland would stop quite easily if he thought I wasn’t into it, or that I was getting too attached to him. Still, I’d rather have this worry than be selling myself to someone who was coercive or potentially dangerous (not necessarily representing a physical danger/being ‘rape-y’ but just not seeing me as a person which could be harmful emotionally, especially for someone like me who’s very innocent and had a very sheltered upbringing).


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