Roland thinks I love him and I don’t know why and didn’t make this happen so why is it happening?

27 Jul

This is my first non-ecstatic post. Roland thinks (or thought, maybe he believes me now) that I am (or think I am, or soon will be) in love with him. I don’t know why this is happening, and things that happen outwith my instigation or control really irritate me. I wish he’d grow more hair so that his accusation would be less ludicrous. I think it also reminds me that Roland is a real person, not just my buyer, client or sex toy, with real independent thoughts that I cannot control.

I like Roland, which is of course very unusual in the sex industry, but I have heard that it is not all that unusual with regular clients. Anyway: I like him but how could I love him? He’s not bad looking, but he’s way older than me and has the hair thing going on. And even if I did fall in love with him, he’s in a polyamorous marriage and I’m polyamorous and a commitmentphobe so what would be the difference? I’d just let him have me for free, which he’d like of course. The only difference would be that I’d miss him when it ended, but I’d get over it just like everybody else.

Just because I text him more than twice a month doesn’t mean I think I love him. And there was a point to that particular text, and the ones before it: That Belle de Jour knows about us; answers to his questions about how I met Dr Magnanti; and a text saying I forgot to say I discovered I like being ‘forced’ to give blowjobs, which is true.

I don’t feel any more of a connection with him than I do with Glasgowsexworker, who has a blog on here and is a friend’s friend (wasn’t going to give out this information, but it is already in the comments on a previous post so people are going to know) i.e. a connection of ideas, interests, etc. Yes, I like him. He’s funny and very knowledgeable. But I don’t think I love him, and I won’t in future either. At a time like this, I would think “Hmmm…what would Belle de Jour do?” but I just met her 2 days ago so her persona has lost its magic; I know she’s a scientist and former call girl who had the same experience as thousands of other call girls and was talented enough to write a great blog and get an award, then lucky enough to get her book published. I look up to her but when you meet someone in real life, you realise that however intelligent they are, they are just a regular person. (Actually, hearing her talk and reading her book made me realise she is even smarter than what I thought before and I like her even more now, but I also realised she is just a regular person.)

Our texts while Lochlan and I were in Browns [he uploaded a pic of me to Facebook, updated his status and ‘liked’ my status, as well as texting; I updated my status, ‘liked’ the pic, and texted – what is the world coming to? We are so reliant on social media and texting instead of being social in real life!]:

Me (trying to appear like I’d drank more than I had – I’d had 5 or 6 drinks- so he wouldn’t think me texting him was annoying]: I met Brooke Magnanti/Belle de Jour and I told her!! Not using my real name or identifying you obv. Isnt that amazing?!!! Its so good being me, it must suck to be anyone else! Yeah! Go Kalika! Go Kalika! Yeah biitchezz!! [I think I surpassed the brief here!]

Roland: Wow! Where did you meet her?

Me:At a talk my friend Lochlan, whos into sex activism as he has sex worker friends, took me to in glasgow. I told her i got the idea to blog about the adventure from her, that she is my inspiration, and i got a copy of her latest book The Sex Myth.

Roland:Btw you were discovered by a hair, a sequin, a toe or fingernail, and a neighbour while we were in Leigh 🙂

Me: Oh. Really sorry about that. Did u manage to lie your way out of it? Hope America was fun. Lochlan bumped into a sex worker friend at the talk who has a blog too that I’ve commented on, shes seen my blog and told him that I’m unusually sexually self-assured for a virgin. Miss your cock, Queen Tut xxxx

and: Sorry. Is Leigh the part of Newcastle we wer in? I think your wife lives up to her name [a Scots pun on her nickname]

Me, the next day: Sorry for loads of txts, just forgot to mention the last time I saw u that i found out i rly like giving blowjobs and u completely humiliated me and dominated me and made me your bitch, and i like being debased and my mouth used as a cock-hole because it’s so embarrassing and dehumanizing like I’m nothing. I like a warm dick thrust into my mouth until I gag. Also, I guess the sequin was from the knife, I won’t bring it again anyway.

Roland: Well my dear, humiliation and domination are two sides of the same sexy coin. I enjoy, primarily, giving you what you want and finding out what you need. The chaste whore in you is obviously in need of something…

and, separately:

Btw please remember what I said. Women want to seem to be the way they think the men they think they love want them to be…

Me: I’ll remember that if I ever fall in love. Not that I will, because that would be cheating on my reflection, with whom I have a monogamous relationship.

Roland: This applies whether the man is their daddy, their lover, their teacher, or a total and complete pervert 🙂

Me:I knew what u meant the first time. I’ve never thought I was in love, except with myself of course. And if I was in love – not that I’m capable of commitment-love – I would say so. I don’t play games like other women. I just want my Ferrari and private jet, not some hubby to poke in the missionary position.

And, later: Why would that even be a possibility? [I will keep the rest to myself – not for anonymity, just because I’m not sure if that text was the right one…I am confused.] I don’t want to annoy my most precious source of income, but what if I have? Confusion is alien to me. I am always utterly sure of myself. How can Roland confuse me, when no-one else can? He’s so unique and unpredictable. I hope he tells me to wait somewhere for him, then beats me and ties me up, stuffs me in his car boot and drives me into the woods, spanks me until I cry and rapes me. He’s probably quirky enough to do it. Perhaps I should suggest this to him after the consummation, but I don’t know if that’s his kink. I’d ask him for a nude pic, but it’d probably just convince him more that I’m in love with him. Why does he think this? He has no evidence to support his conclusion. I’m not entirely sure of the next text I sent, either. This was the last I sent:  I appreciate your concern tho, its nice that you care about me beyond sex. You’re like Brooke’s clients. Well u are a call girl level client, so I suppose it makes sense. I bet streetwalkers’ punters are totally different.

He hasn’t replied, does that mean he’s just bored of texting me, or is he annoyed by what I said, or doesn’t believe me, or he believes me and has dropped it? Why can’t I build a spanking machine like Kane did and put him in it? Actually, I’ll build it in a few weeks. Heh. Also, why do men have a thinking/talking function when you just need their cock?

It would be easier if we’d been talking face to face. Roland has said similar things before – that this blog is potentially obsessive because it’s about him – (it’s not, it’s about me and my adventure), that I might make myself believe he loves me, etc. I think he has a Moulin Rouge fantasy where the hooker falls in love with the guy. It’s one of my favourite films as I love the soundtrack and the theme of prostitution. Did that happen in Pretty Woman too? I don’t like feeling confused. I shall eat chocolate to make this all go away. Why is getting paid 1000’s to fuck so complicated? If I was Queen Tut I’d kill somebody right now.


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7 responses to “Roland thinks I love him and I don’t know why and didn’t make this happen so why is it happening?

  1. glasgow sex worker

    July 27, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    This entry is extremely hilarious. I mean, not your confusion, etc, but Oh! the line “I wish he’d grow more hair so that his accusation would be less ludicrous” made me fully snort with laughter. Excellent.

    Also though, I did wonder/worry when I commented the day about your/my privacy/anonymity, etc – if you’re even a little bit uncomfortable you should delete the comments! (I actually think Brooke has made it slightly safer to be us, just because she’s filled up the media quota of blogging hookers for a bit – uh, unless you’re doing something a bit different, like, say, auctioning your virginity I guess … Hmmm.)

    • fieara

      July 27, 2012 at 8:06 pm

      Your comment made me giggle! Yeah, I suppose it is funny. I do insult him so! (Just hope he doesn’t read it, as he has checked out this blog before.) I replied to your comments on the other page, but didn’t do it by the ‘reply’ button so you might not have got notified.

      I’m not uncomfortable with it, as some girls have exposed themselves selling their virginity and the media ran like one story on them and then forgot them; other girls were given anonymity when they sold their stories or were discovered. I guess the media isn’t as rabid a predator if you’re not a successful author like Brooke – if she hadn’t been a talented writer, the media might have left her alone completely because it wouldn’t be a big story. And in the eyes of Joe Public, selling virginity seems to be less stigmatised than sex work (I don’t know why – it IS sex work! So is!).

      I think the journos shouldn’t be allowed to infiltrate companies as interns or did through rubbish or harass people just to expose them (except politicians). If Brooke had remained anonymous, I doubt that would’ve affected democracy. I understand that you can’t have a law protecting anonymity, as it would benefit bad people. But we could tighten up harrassment laws; there are laws about the media, like how criminals under 18 can’t be named or rape victims can’t be named, they can’t hack your phone, etc. I feel sorry for Brooke, knowing she was going to be exposed just for excercising her free speech.

      Also, (with the comments) there is the thrill of the risk of discovery….

    • fieara

      July 28, 2012 at 8:41 pm

      Would you prefer me to delete them?

      • glasgow sex worker

        July 30, 2012 at 1:14 am

        Pssh, no, no worries, I wouldn’t have written it if I was worried :-). I’m being a bit crap at replying to comments at the moment, though – hence the slow reply here. Sorry! x

  2. fieara

    July 27, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    Btw, you saying that really meant a lot to me cos it made me more confident that I’m not going to be damaged by this (as Roland thinks).

  3. BroadBlogs

    July 27, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    Interesting to get this sense of his falling in love. Maybe we objectify johns, too, just seeing them as sexual (if not sexy) and nothing else.

    • fieara

      July 28, 2012 at 1:17 am

      That’s true. Johns are usually thought of as either lonely (and therefore understood/sympathised) or as perverted and exploitative. But he’s not in love with me, he is just overprotective of my emotions, worried I will get too attached to him. He says that’s why he doesn’t message or text me much, but I think he just can’t be bothered to text.


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