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“(Probably) No” means “Yes”

22 Jul

This was the most confusing answer to a question I’d ever recieved in my life. It was an impossible answer. I wondered if Roland meant that he’d only hit the one million mark a couple of hours ago but he’d spent some change since then so now it might be £5 less than a million or whatever.

“How can it be ‘probably not’?”

(Pause, think) “Because I don’t think that everything added up would come to a million…probably not…but it depends, because I’m worth much more than a million.”

This didn’t make any sense. It was making my brain itch. I was thinking, shit, I should’ve waited till later to get him tied up and just torture it out of him, it’d be easier and I’d get a straight answer.

“But it’s either yes or no,” I whined.

“The question is: Does it matter?” he said.

I thought, Of course it does, it’s a landmark goal for most people! A never to be fulfilled dream! Haven’t you ever watched Only Fools and Horses?

I said, truthfully, “Because it’s been my goal to fuck a millionaire and I want to know if I’m fulfilling two goals at once!”

He looked at me and goes, “Oh. Well, probably not.”

“Can’t you just stick your card in a machine and then you would know?”

“Well, how do you know you’re a millionaire?” he asked.

“When you look at your account and it has at least a million.” [Or if, like me, you have several accounts, you add them all together.]

Roland explained that since he has 50% of the shares in Luxor he has over 2m which he can use to buy stuff even though it’s not actually in his account; like me, he explained, I get paid from Luxor. So altogether he’d have about 3m he can actually use although most of it isn’t under his own name. And he can sell the shares for 2m at any time, or dissolve the company and get the 2m. He used to have more money but he put a lot of it into the company. And he can transfer it between the company’s account and his personal account.

“So, does that count?” he asked.

“Yeah. It counts. Because you can use it to buy stuff and you can put it in your account anyway.”

He laughed. “Because that suits your particular fantasy better.”

We had to go back to the car for his phone in case his colleagues called. I said he was naughty for illegally using Luxor’s funds to pay me. He countered that it was not illegal because using the company’s money just had to be “in the course of a business” (I still remembered the wording from Commercial Law as he said it) “and,” he said, “you, my dear, are a business.” And laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

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