Some musings

22 May

Okay, I know I’m supposed to be posting a coherent account of this event, but I can’t. (Well, not right now, but I will try.) There was a rush of conflicting feelings in me, and also some of it was blurry…I was so thrilled, excited, delighted, yet wonderfully fearful also. And Roland is the first guy to see me naked, so it was so much fun parading in front of him and showing off my body to him, just happy being myself. And nlot worrying about blemishes or hyperpigmentation because I mentioned this to him, and he doesn’t even notice. Men! I guess some of the gender myths are true. Usually I have what has been described as a “photographic” memory (although of course this is a huge exaggeration, and I actually have less memory for details; what I’m best at remembering is poems or paragraphs which I sometimes remember by heart accidentally and can therefore recite at any time, which prompts people to get all excited. But if my memory were truly “photographic” I would not be able to recite what I read, but only able to write/copy what I read.So obviously it’s not.) Where was I? Oh, that in this instance, my memory isn’t that good and I can’t call up the little deatils or even the correct sequence of events that easily. I think that when he caned me, as Queen Tut, it was too pleasurable for my brain to cope with, and ultimately too painful. I refused to say the safeword but when he asked if I wanted to stop, there was an inner battle before I finally admitted that I did. Interestingly, I was crying from pain and this is the first time I cried so hard as an adult, and also the first time in my life that I cried without feeling shame about crying. Absolutely liberating. Also, I knew for the first time what it’s like to fear physical pain/punishment (apart from ordinary pain such as falling, bullies, fights, etc that most people experience at least falling at some point.)

It’s kinda weirdhow I go from being scared before the spanking to immediately enjoying it as soon as it begins. I like it when Roland uses his hand the best – the feel of his skin on mine. And he seems able to vary the force he uses better when using his hand. And he can look so cruel and happy, grinning like a hungry, salivating shark as he gazes down at me strapped helplessly over the bench. I remember his voice when I sobbed, pleading “No don’t! Don’t do it-stop!” and he regarded me coolly, saying “Do I hear ‘lemon sherbet’ [the safeword]?” and when I said no, he proclaimed, in the lordly tone of my ‘Roland’ figure, “Well then I shall take no notice then,” smiling like a cruel prince, and continued.


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